I realize some people might react negatively to the term “loser,” because in God’s eyes, everyone has value, worth and purpose. In that sense, no one is or ever could be a loser. But we acknowledge that for many reasons some people are not healthy individuals where they currently are. Maybe in 10 years they will be, but not now. And, the key word is maybe.
So, before I define what I mean by the word “loser,” here’s a quick checklist to help you identify whether your current relationship is healthy. The person I’m dating generally…
_____ blames others (me) rather than takes personal responsibility for bad choices and mistakes?
_____ prefers to stay the same rather than stretch, change and grow?
_____ is stuck in self pity and uses failure and loss as an excuse for lack of growth and maturity?
_____ tends to act out his or her feelings whether others are hurt or not?
_____ avoids pain at all costs?
_____ holds onto past hurts and resentments and has problems “letting them go”?
_____ tends to hide the truth or is afraid to be honest about his or her feelings and weaknesses?
_____ focuses on self and ignores the feelings and wishes of others?
_____ feels threatened by any interests and/or activities you have that don’t include him or her?
_____ perceives seeking the advice or help of others as a sign of weakness?
Scoring for the Quiz
If you answered “yes” to: 1-3 of the above questions you are probably dealing with some of the normal struggles of close relationships. We all have areas in which we can grow. My book, “How NOT to Date a Loser” can help you do that.
4-5 of the above questions you probably are involved in a moderately dysfunctional relationship. “How NOT to Date a Loser” will help you identity and overcome any obstacles so that you can move toward the joy of an intimate loving connection.
6 or more of the above questions you are probably involved in a dysfunctional relationship or should I say you are probably dating a loser.
Now that you have completed the quiz and assessed your current relationship, let me explain what I mean by the word “loser.” In the context of dating, I would describe a loser as a hurting person who hurts others. He or she lacks self-awareness and won’t do the hard work needed to heal, change, and grow. A more practical description of a loser is found when you contrast their behavior with that of healthy people. For example:
• Losers blame others. Healthy people take personal responsibility for their bad choices and admit their mistakes.
• Losers prefer to stay the same and don’t see the need for change and growth. Healthy people want to learn and grow.
• Losers, like healthy people, have junk and sin in their lives, but losers make excuses for it. Healthy people work to overcome their problems and not be controlled by their past. They move beyond it.
• Losers stay stuck in self pity. Healthy people bounce back from failure and loss even when it’s hard.
• Losers act out their feelings instead of talking or praying about them. Healthy people recognize and own their feelings.
• Losers avoid pain at all cost. Healthy people understand pain is a part of living and growth. It is crucial to your personal and professional well-being to recognize whether or not you’re currently involved in an unhealthy relationship.
If you are, protect yourself from years of pain by having the courage to detach yourself from a destructive relationship. At this point in your life, the other person does not have the ability to give or receive love. For more help taking the next step, read “How Not to Date a Loser” or visit my website for more free coaching tools and coaching resources to help you be more efffective.
About the Author: Georgia Shaffer is a licensed psychologist, life coach, and the author of “How Not to Date a Loser: A Guide to Making Smart Choices”. She is a boardmember of ICCA who coaches and speaks frequently on the subjects of relationships, dating, grief, and rebuilding after loss. Georgia has over 15 years experience helping people identify: “What needs to grow? What needs to go?” For more information or free coaching tools, visit: www.GeorgiaShaffer.com
Want to join Georgia and 6000 other Chriatian Coaches to make a greater difference in the world?
Join www.ICCAonline.net today to receive the most magazines, webinar and MP3 files than any other organization to equip and empower you as a Christian Coach.
Remember to follow us on Twitter! www.Twitter.com/CoachAlliance